You may be puzzled as to why you see pictures of piles of laundry in my house, but please let me explain...First, let me say that I'm definitely not trying to paint a picture of a perfect life on my blog! Gasp! Sometimes, it does occur to me that I try to present myself or my family or my home or my whatever in the best light - put my best foot forward, etc. Well. Let me just be vulnerable with you for a moment and tell you that it's often not that way! :)
Also, there's a new precious song on the playlist. It speaks of exactly where I find myself right now. Maybe you find yourself there, too?
Last week was one of those weeks- the kind of weeks when I felt so hurried that I barely had time to breathe, much less check my e-mails and update the blog! Life happened, spring continued to spring, and my pace became very hurried - ugh - AND perfection reared its ugly head again. Imagine a bubble over my head with these things in it... "If I could just get the laundry done, Ava's lifebook started and her eczema under control, the potatoes planted and the front beds mulched, the phone calls returned, the final adoption decree to the state to be state certified before it goes to China, the adoption announcments mailed, my family and neighbors loved and valued, AND please the person in the mirror... ahh, then all would be well, and I would have peace. No, I wouldn't. It just doesn't work like that. Even if I got ALL of that done in some superwoman like effort, there would always be something to pull and tug at my peace and joy within a given day. Amen, women??? Men, I am so not leaving you out, because you have things that weigh on your hearts and minds, too. :)
So...needless to say, I did some hard thinking on this fact and my hurried pace and perfectionistic mindset and lack of peace this past weekend, and I've promised myself that I would SLOW DOWN this week and let the Holy Spirit walk me through my day and guide me. It's always a challenge for me to understand what "entangles me" and try as I may to "throw it off," I just can't do it with my own power. Enter the Lord's power in my life and not my own efforts and manipulation and control. I just plain old can't do it by myself, and the good news, no the great news, is that I don't have to!
I'm at home today, blogging and sorting and sifting and letting go of perfection. I am SO not perfect each and every single day. ATTN everyone: I am not perfect. I am weak and vulnerable and a wreck but praise God that He loves me just the way I am, and He is continuing to mold and shape this daughter and her heart which He treasures. Just in case you don't believe that I'm not perfect ( ha ha ), I'll give you a vision of my lack of perfection:
I snapped at my neighbor last week when she said something about Ava's size compared to mine that I interpreted one way or another. She was just trying to be funny. - enter pride and being easily offended...ugh
I was annoyed when my agenda was interrupted by a phone call that took an hour from my 70 something neighbor who just wanted to talk and tell me a story -enter selfishness and control of MY day. Is it really MY day to begin with?
I was easily offended by some parents I didn't know at Kroger picking out baby food for their child and making it a point that their child DID like green beans. Ava doesn't, and I was just trying to make conversation, and they got a little odd about the conversation centering around a green vegetable. I stewed about it all through aisle 11 and 12 and 13 - ok, when I got home, too. Who cares?! Did I say that I was easily offended in this situation? Yep. Working on that! Enter pride again, too, all over green beans!..
That's just a few of my non-perfectionistic moments this week!
His mercies are new every morning... deep breath of relief...
Today, I comforted Ava when she fell off of the chair onto her face and was still in that moment of hugging my daughter. I then applied hydrocort to her eczema on her little cheek with a gentle and patient hand.
I noticed a blue bird in the maple and thought how awesome it was that God created him.
I made myself a cup of hot tea and drank it slowly.
I thought about forgiving some old hurts with people and letting God fill that space in my heart with His mercy.
I thought about being unoffendable - I do know people who are, and I marvel. I'm getting there slowly but surely. Most of the time that I'm offended, I'm looking at my larger than life self and letting pride and reputation weigh in.
I walked past the laundry room and just breathed...
I am aware that these altered mindsets and perspectives don't just happen in a given day. As soon as my feet hit the floor, these little laundry goblins rush at me twirling mismatched socks and underwear (yes, I wrote the word, underwear) and then they bring with them the dishes goblins and the "you didn't accomplish everything on your list YESTERDAY"goblins... Anyone understand what I'm saying here??
I have to be intentional about my mindset and my perspective and I have to ask the Lord to help me have a clean, non-fearful and non-anxious heart, not filled with anxiety but with peace -an undivided heart in the midst of my sinful flesh that wars against the Spirit who lives IN me, the worldly chaos around me that can be SO loud and the influences of evil. Yes, I do believe it exists. That's a whole "nother" story! Isn't nother a fun, ahem, word?
There's a song that I'll try to find that I've been hearing this week that's just been released. The artist sings of asking Jesus to save us again and again - not the salvation kind of saving again and again but the rescuing our hearts from the idols that fight for our attention and the things that can oppress and bind our hearts. Jesus said that He came "so that we may have life and have it to the full." He says that He came to set the prisoners and the captives FREE! Do I really believe that? Yes! I do!
It's up to me take hold of those truths and walk in that freedom and to continue to repent and believe, repent and believe...It's a journey, and dadgummit, I'm NOT going to be perfect until I'm with Jesus someday. Kathy, those words have paid dividends...
I do STILL need to do laundry...whimper whimper...
Ah.. but it doesn't control me today. I'll get to it and all of the other things that compete for my attention.
I do think this blog was more important than any of that laundry sitting up there.
Thank you Jesus, that You are my perfection and my righteousness, that I don't have to strive.
Joy and Peace to you today,
Emily
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