Sparrows and Storms

This morning, I woke up with a thousand things on my mind; things to do, places to go, people to see, decisions to make. So, I decided to take some time to try to be still and listen and quiet my mind. Organizing kitchen cabinets and folding towels is going to have to wait. I'm dry and empty and need to be filled up, and my mind is racing with all that's ahead of me.

I'm looking out the window at the greening of the grass this morning. Everything looks fresh and new. Flowers are blooming, and the wild blackberries are ripening in the sun. As I look around me, I'm reminded of the fierce storm that went through on Saturday. I stood in the living room window watching these storms as they blew rain sideways, tipped over porch furniture, and sent a scared dog and two cats into our basement. The storm came in from the West gradually, and I watched as it eventually encircled our house, producing crosswinds that left a big maple tree in our back yard lurching from one side to the other.

I watched out the front door as my ferns swung back and forth like a clock pendulum in need of repair. As I watched them sway, I worried about the newly hatched baby sparrows inside. The winds were fierce, and the rain pellets were relentless. I thought that they must be really scared. I wondered if I should intervene and come to their rescue and then decided that they are used to rain and wind in nature and to leave them be. If I "took away their storm," they may not be fully prepared for their future. After the storm passed, I lifted back the fronds of the ferns, and there they were, huddled together and safe as can be. Their feathers were a little wet, and I was reminded that someday , they would have to seek shelter from the storms and this was maybe good training for what they would face as adult birds in the wild. During storms, I've also noticed that the momma bird flies into the trees, but she's remains close by keeping an eye on her babies. She must know what she's doing by not sheltering them.

I thought about this for awhile and how God must watch the storms raging around my heart. He sees my emotions swaying back and forth and the wordly pressures around me beating at my heart like rain. He knows I'd LOVE rescue and to avoid the storm, but He also knows in His wisdom that these storms are necessary to strengthen me and prepare me for what lies ahead. Sometimes, I have to wonder what's ahead! :)

As I looked out the window and watched the storm on Saturday and thought about these baby birds, I thought about the condition of my heart. Like many of you, I feel that sometimes, there are pressures coming in from all directions. Crosswinds are blowing across my heart, rearranging thoughts and sweeping away my peace. These life crosswinds also never fail to lift up and uncover old hurts and wounds, so that I have to face them. God knows that if they lie buried, and I never deal with them, they become like poison and weigh me down. They are like chains around my heart, and I don't experience freedom.

Just one of the storms I'm facing lately is the unknown of this domestic adoption we're pursuing. I keep wondering why it's so difficult for us to try to start a family, and then I remember that God knows the unknown that I can't see. He has a plan and knows the children He has for us. After some discussion this weekend about attorney appointments and medical coverage for the birthmother's doctor appointments and desperately seeking an answer as to how to proceed, the decision was made not to fly down to Atlanta today. The doctor's appointment has been postponed to next week to allow the birthmother time to fill out paperwork to regain medical coverage. Also, if the birthparents do not meet with the Atlanta attorney soon, there is no adoption plan. I've decided not to force or manipulate this process. If this baby is meant to be ours, God will go before us and make the path smooth. I trust that. At this point, we know that the birthfather is having second thoughts and has yet to express a commitment to the adoption plan. Ben and I have been very clear about where we stand right now- that we're not going to fly down to attend ultrasound appointments until we know that the birthparents are making an effort to move forward.

So, with that said, I thought about the greening of the grass and the ripening of the blackberries and the rainbows that are often present after a hard rain. If it weren't for the storms and the rain, it would be impossible for the grass and blackberries to thrive and for us to see the beauty of a rainbow. Rain is a good thing. I can see and understand that in nature. I'm trying to think of my heart that way - that every tear I've cried and every storm I've faced along this journey and every wind that blows hard against my resolve to stay this course and trust the Lord is just making me stronger and refining me. I'll be the first to tell you that this is not easy, and I'm not perfect, and I don't plan on being perfect this side of Heaven! I'm simply a fellow traveler, trying to weather these storms just like everyone else, and sometimes, I do a better job than at other times.

ps- if you have a speaker for sound, turn it on to hear the playlist music. One of my favorite old hymns is "His Eye is on the Sparrow." It's also my grandmother's favorite. Whatever you're doing, take a minute and listen to this song. It will encourage your heart today. I hope you're as encouraged by these songs as I have been. These songs have ministered to me at different times throughout this journey to the children God has for us. "Hold Me Jesus" by Rich Mullins goes way back for me to college days, and it remains one of the most precious songs to my heart. "Go Rest High" by Vince Gill reminds me of seeing my grandfathers again in Heaven someday. There's only one that I can't seem to find called, "In the Waiting" by Greg Long. I'm still looking for this one! I add and rotate music often, so keep checking the play list to hear a special song that can speak to your heart wherever you are right now. I just added two new ones - the first two. Enjoy!

10 Year Anniversary and Wild Alaskan Adventure!

Hey, everybody! I'm sorry I haven't posted in a week. This past week, Ben and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary by going on an Alaskan adventure! Yes, I did say Alaska, that place far north that I read about in elementary school and thought I'd never go to. It just seemed so unreal that I'd ever go there! Guess I thought Eskimos lived there or something when I was seven. It's funny how I always imagined we'd celebrate ten years by going to some place like Fiji with tropical breezes, flip-flops, iced drinks with little umbrellas in them, and wide-brimmed beach hats. Alaska was a place for arctic breezes, two layers of socks and tennis shoes, hot chocolate and tea, and arctic fox earmuffs! I have a picture of me wearing these crazy earmuffs, and Ben is wearing a sheared beaver fur hat! Laugh out loud!
I will say that Alaska is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. It's so untamed and magnificent. If you are planning a trip somewhere, I highly recommend Alaska. We took a cruise from Anchorage down to Vancouver, Canada. It was very reasonable and very relaxing. I even got a stamp in my new state park passport book. Of course, there's only a blue million other parks to get stamps from! :) One down, a blue million left. What is a blue million anyway?

So, we officially celebrated ten years last Friday June 20, 2008. Ten years ago seems like a short time, but when I reflect on all of the life that has been lived in those ten years, I am truly amazed.

Our ten years have been wonderful years full of adventure and wonder, of triumphs and joys, and of struggles and heartaches. Most of all, they've been years of love and growth as a couple. In a short ten years of sharing life together, we've been through a tough season of infertility and miscarriages. Our desire to start a family has been a part of eight of our 10 years, but it doesn't define it. I trust wholeheartedly that God is working ALL things together for good and ultimately to glorify Him. This blog is about this and that and life in general, but our quest to discover the children God has for us is a central theme.

Our journey to Maia Grace in China began in 2005, and as many of you know, we're still waiting for her referral probably sometime in the fall of 2009. She'll be between six and twelve months old. Our entire journey to her is documented in our adoption website, www.journeytomaia.com, for anyone that would like to read our story. Journals pertaining to China referrals will still be posted on that site, as I want to share the full story with her someday. Our newest adventure in adoption and family adventures will be posted here.

The update on our Ava Faith adoption is that it is very uncertain, and we're having to completely trust God's sovereignty in this entire situation. We're inching forward literally one day at a time right now, and I'm planning to go to the birthmother's doctor's appointment on Monday the 30th for the 7 month ultrasound. This process is full of twists and turns that are very different from our international adoption. Every day, I have to try my hardest not to be anxious and fearful. A verse that's always been a favorite of mine in difficult decisions and situations is from the book of Joshua in chapter 1. Joshua was the dude that had to lead the people of Israel after Moses passed away! A pretty tall order, especially because the Israelites were not easy to lead!

Joshua was known for his faith and courage. As God was preparing him, He said to Joshua, "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

The next part is not often quoted, but I think it's key. Joshua did not waver and say, "Lord are you sure this is a good idea? or "Lord, I'm not Moses!" No. Instead, he commanded the officers of the people, saying, "Pass through the camp, and command the people, saying, 'Prepare provisions for yourselves, for within three days, you will cross over this Jordan, to go in to possess the land which the Lord your God is giving you to possess.'" Wow! What courage and faith Joshua must have had. It's tempting for me to say, "Lord, I'm not Joshua," but I feel Him calling me to prepare provisions and most importantly, to go! It's tempting to be inactive when we're waiting for something to happen, but often God works in the movement of us GOING!

So, with that said, I'm making provisions, trying not to be anxious, fearful or dismayed, and I'm going forward; sometimes, I'm crawling, and sometimes, I'm sprinting! Yesterday, my heart was downcast at some news that while we were gone, the birthparents had changed their mind and had declined the Atlanta attorney's services. Then, I found out that they had changed their mind and were continuing down the path of adoption. After this phone conversation, I got down on the floor with my face to the ground and cried out to God in my helplessness. I told Him that this was too hard, and I just didn't have any strength left to fight this battle. As I picked myself up and tried to have good courage, I was reminded later that day to ask for prayer. You see, many times, I try to muster up some strength and courage and handle things on my own. It's in my weakness, though, that His strength is made perfect. Why do I forget that? After I asked for prayer that afternoon, Ben and I were sitting on the porch that evening watching a beautiful storm come in from the West. I got up to put our dog, Bear, in, and when I got back and sat down, I suddenly felt this strange but wonderful warmth, not around me but actually inside me. I asked Ben if he felt it, and he said no. It was like a heat that I've never felt before. It only lasted for a few seconds, but I felt such a wonderful peace afterwards.

The next morning, I found out that some people had been praying for me at 8:00 p.m.and between 10 and 10:30 p.m. I must say that I am on a journey with prayer. I have always read that it's powerful, but sometimes, I don't experience that power in the timeframe I'm expecting or in the way I'm expecting, so my enthusiasm for prayer wanes. I truly believe the Holy Spirit was ministering to me while I was sitting on the porch last night, still pondering the twists and turns of this adoption. God is very aware of where I am right now and how hard this is.

So, with all this said, I know there will be rocks ahead and more twists and turns, but I'm not steering the boat! God is, and I am going to try my best to sit back and ride and trust as I'm gathering provisions and going along for the ride.

If you ever are thinking of going somewhere, I highly recommend that you visit Alaska! It was truly the most beautiful place I've ever seen, and the weather on land was actually very nice - in the 60s most days. It's truly one of the last wild frontiers. God's creation is magnificent to say the least!! I hope you enjoy the photos!

Expectant Hope

"It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a statue, or so to make a few objects beautiful, but it is far more glorious to paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, which morally, we can do. To affect the quality of the day; that is the highest of the arts." Henry David Thoreau.

This is my blog, a place to share my journey in hopes that it will speak to others and encourage. This is me unplugged in an effort to be an authentic and real woman of God with no trappings of false righteousness or perfection. I am and remain broken, but thank God that He puts the broken pieces back together into something beautiful that He's creating and molding! So... "in lifiting my eyes to the maker of the mountains I can't climb, the calmer of the oceans of raging wild, the Healer of the hurts I hold inside", I dedicate my writing to the One who gave it to me. I give it back to Him, for His glory and as a humble servant of what it is He wants me to do, however big, however small. Continue to help me Lord with my daily trappings that you know I struggle to take off.

My current journey is one of discovering the children God has for us. We heard the call to adopt a baby girl from China in 2005, one we're still hoping for in a long season of waiting. I'm learning that the waiting is not as hard as the RESTING in the Lord while waiting patiently for Him. Our baby girl's name is Maia Grace, and we don't think that she's been born yet, as the time frame for our referral from China is now fall of 2009, and she'll likely be 8-12 months old when we bring her home. I grow more and more sure of her everyday in my heart, though we can't see the when. Maia, as you read this someday, forever know that I am so completely and utterly certain that God chose us to come and bring you home to your forever family. I rest in that everyday as I wait for you.

Our newest adventure in adoption came unexpectedly on a warm spring day in May 2008 when we decided to open our hearts to whatever God has for us and surrender our plan, our will, and our vision of how we think this becoming parents thing should look. I've had to readjust that several times, always becoming utterly helpless in my attempts to reason, reach understanding or ascertain God's plan. Rest in His understanding. Lean not on my own. Unfortunately, I haven't learned that like tying my shoe or riding my bike. I have to relearn and relearn and relearn all the time. I'm actually discovering that helplessness is the BEST place to be, because I finally come to end of myself (ouch) and let God take over (enter freedom!) Seems strange doesn't it, that helplessness is a place of power - not on OUR part but on God's part, for He is never helpless! Rest. Rest.

I'm continuing to walk down this road of faith. To be honest, sometimes it feels like the fire swamp from Princess Bride if you're familiar with that movie! 1 Peter 5:8 warns us to "Be self-controlled and alert, Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.", especially those who are waiting and trusting in the Lord! One of his favorite questions to the child of God is "Are you sure God knows what He's doing? Why don't you step in and take charge?" He's the great deceiver who comes disguised as the bearer of light, for that's what Lucifer means. This is a daily battle for the believer, but praise God, that He's already won the victory for us! Earth is not heaven, and oh, the unspeakable joy that's waiting for us after we navigate through the twists and turns of this world.

Ben and I are walking through doors as they open to adopt a newborn little girl from Atlanta. Can we say surprise in the midst of this waiting for China to move their referral dates along?! We've chosen the name Ava Faith. She's due August 24th, and we're definitely walking by faith and not by sight. Can you say helpless?! No control, no manipulation, no "I have this all figured out," or "these are the prenatal vitamins I would take." Simply, faith. A great friend of mine who has also traveled this same road to adopt domestically has a sign in her house that says, "Faith isn't knowing that God can. It's knowing that He will." He's in action right now as I write these words, working and orchestrating. I just have to have faith, as He calls me forward. So, this is the beginning of my blog. I'm opening my arms, Lord. What do you have for me?

To close this blog, I wanted to include a remembrance video of Maria Sue Chapman, the youngest adopted daughter of Steven and Mary Beth Chapman. She was killed in a tragic car accident a few weeks ago at the family home. Their obedience to follow the call to China adoption has been an inspiration to me, and the song, "Love Takes You In" on my playlist is my all time favorite adoption song. My prayers are with this amazing family who is soldiering on and choosing to hope in the midst of their loss, knowing that Maria Sue is now safe in the arms of Jesus. Be sure to pause the playlist songs to hear the video. You might want to grab some kleenex, too.