Sparrows and Storms

This morning, I woke up with a thousand things on my mind; things to do, places to go, people to see, decisions to make. So, I decided to take some time to try to be still and listen and quiet my mind. Organizing kitchen cabinets and folding towels is going to have to wait. I'm dry and empty and need to be filled up, and my mind is racing with all that's ahead of me.

I'm looking out the window at the greening of the grass this morning. Everything looks fresh and new. Flowers are blooming, and the wild blackberries are ripening in the sun. As I look around me, I'm reminded of the fierce storm that went through on Saturday. I stood in the living room window watching these storms as they blew rain sideways, tipped over porch furniture, and sent a scared dog and two cats into our basement. The storm came in from the West gradually, and I watched as it eventually encircled our house, producing crosswinds that left a big maple tree in our back yard lurching from one side to the other.

I watched out the front door as my ferns swung back and forth like a clock pendulum in need of repair. As I watched them sway, I worried about the newly hatched baby sparrows inside. The winds were fierce, and the rain pellets were relentless. I thought that they must be really scared. I wondered if I should intervene and come to their rescue and then decided that they are used to rain and wind in nature and to leave them be. If I "took away their storm," they may not be fully prepared for their future. After the storm passed, I lifted back the fronds of the ferns, and there they were, huddled together and safe as can be. Their feathers were a little wet, and I was reminded that someday , they would have to seek shelter from the storms and this was maybe good training for what they would face as adult birds in the wild. During storms, I've also noticed that the momma bird flies into the trees, but she's remains close by keeping an eye on her babies. She must know what she's doing by not sheltering them.

I thought about this for awhile and how God must watch the storms raging around my heart. He sees my emotions swaying back and forth and the wordly pressures around me beating at my heart like rain. He knows I'd LOVE rescue and to avoid the storm, but He also knows in His wisdom that these storms are necessary to strengthen me and prepare me for what lies ahead. Sometimes, I have to wonder what's ahead! :)

As I looked out the window and watched the storm on Saturday and thought about these baby birds, I thought about the condition of my heart. Like many of you, I feel that sometimes, there are pressures coming in from all directions. Crosswinds are blowing across my heart, rearranging thoughts and sweeping away my peace. These life crosswinds also never fail to lift up and uncover old hurts and wounds, so that I have to face them. God knows that if they lie buried, and I never deal with them, they become like poison and weigh me down. They are like chains around my heart, and I don't experience freedom.

Just one of the storms I'm facing lately is the unknown of this domestic adoption we're pursuing. I keep wondering why it's so difficult for us to try to start a family, and then I remember that God knows the unknown that I can't see. He has a plan and knows the children He has for us. After some discussion this weekend about attorney appointments and medical coverage for the birthmother's doctor appointments and desperately seeking an answer as to how to proceed, the decision was made not to fly down to Atlanta today. The doctor's appointment has been postponed to next week to allow the birthmother time to fill out paperwork to regain medical coverage. Also, if the birthparents do not meet with the Atlanta attorney soon, there is no adoption plan. I've decided not to force or manipulate this process. If this baby is meant to be ours, God will go before us and make the path smooth. I trust that. At this point, we know that the birthfather is having second thoughts and has yet to express a commitment to the adoption plan. Ben and I have been very clear about where we stand right now- that we're not going to fly down to attend ultrasound appointments until we know that the birthparents are making an effort to move forward.

So, with that said, I thought about the greening of the grass and the ripening of the blackberries and the rainbows that are often present after a hard rain. If it weren't for the storms and the rain, it would be impossible for the grass and blackberries to thrive and for us to see the beauty of a rainbow. Rain is a good thing. I can see and understand that in nature. I'm trying to think of my heart that way - that every tear I've cried and every storm I've faced along this journey and every wind that blows hard against my resolve to stay this course and trust the Lord is just making me stronger and refining me. I'll be the first to tell you that this is not easy, and I'm not perfect, and I don't plan on being perfect this side of Heaven! I'm simply a fellow traveler, trying to weather these storms just like everyone else, and sometimes, I do a better job than at other times.

ps- if you have a speaker for sound, turn it on to hear the playlist music. One of my favorite old hymns is "His Eye is on the Sparrow." It's also my grandmother's favorite. Whatever you're doing, take a minute and listen to this song. It will encourage your heart today. I hope you're as encouraged by these songs as I have been. These songs have ministered to me at different times throughout this journey to the children God has for us. "Hold Me Jesus" by Rich Mullins goes way back for me to college days, and it remains one of the most precious songs to my heart. "Go Rest High" by Vince Gill reminds me of seeing my grandfathers again in Heaven someday. There's only one that I can't seem to find called, "In the Waiting" by Greg Long. I'm still looking for this one! I add and rotate music often, so keep checking the play list to hear a special song that can speak to your heart wherever you are right now. I just added two new ones - the first two. Enjoy!