Don't Quit

Be sure to pause the music on the playlist before you watch this. I first saw this film, Facing the Giants, about two or three years ago, and it affected me deeply. This particular scene was imprinted on my heart, and I remember it when times get tough, and I grow weary and feel like I'm out of strength. I was reminded of it today on my drive home with a backseat full of baby stuff! As this journey to start a family is getting closer to the end, I'm reflecting a lot on the last eight years and how God has transformed my heart and urged me to keep going when I had no strength left.

I took a journey today I've taken before. It was a simple journey that I'm sure thousands of people have made this week. I took a list of "must have" baby items to Babies-R-Us, chose a buggy and began to shop.

I've been in that store before on this journey to the children God has for us when I've been pregnant, eager to buy a few little things. I still bear the wounds of losing three children to miscarriage, and it's never easy to go in that store. As an adoptive Mom, it's not obvious to the world who I'm shopping for because adoption isn't so visible. Today, when I got to the register, I was asked once more by a sweet lady if the items I was purchasing were off of the gift registry. For what seems like the millionth time, I just smiled and stated that they were for me and that I was adopting. We had the nicest conversation, but old wounds are fresh in times like those, and I find myself in a line of pregnant women longing to share my story of adoption and that I'm also expecting and am excited. It's not visible, and I long for people to ask me when I'm due and if it's a boy or girl. A scripture verse that has been strong for me when I feel upset and frustrated in times like these is the one about having quiet confidence, knowing that it's never about what the world thinks or perceives. It's about the purpose God has for me and what He's doing in my life matters. It's not about my glory or what I deserve or what's fair.

Honestly, there have been many times on this journey when I've felt like giving up emotionally. The loads have seemed unbelievably heavy and the pain unreal at times. I've grown faint countless times, and my heart has burned with ache and grief and confusion. If you had asked me in 2000, when this journey began, if I thought it would be 2008 before we'd have children, I would have said no way. I just couldn't imagine that it would be that long, but year after year has passed without the promise of children being fulfilled. There have been many times that I wanted to stop at the 20 or the 50 yard line and yell, "Enough!," but I've heard Him calling me on, telling me not to quit and not to grow weary and discouraged, because He's with me.

So, here I am today at Babies-R-Us, buying burp cloths and such, and I smile as I shop, because even though I can't see the end zone, I feel that it's nearer than it ever has been. This is all for His glory- none of it is for my own. I'm broken and a mess, and I NEVER have it all together. If you're reading this, please know that He is faithful to put the broken pieces back together again. He's done that with me, and there have been a million pieces to put back together again. I am experiencing the "streams in the desert," and the "treasures of darkness" the Bible talks about, even in the midst of the suffering and the unknown ahead of me.

This is my story, but I know you have one, too. We all do. This world we live in is broken, and there's incredible pain, but dear friend, God is good, and He is faithful. He will never leave those broken pieces on the ground, but He'll turn them into something beautiful and refined for His glory. I'm still on that journey of being refined every day. I can tell you that He has brought me a LONG way since the beginning of this struggle. I'm holding onto the fact that He is good, and He's watching me and bringing me out into that spacious place that I've longed for year after year where I can finally rest.

I've waited a long time to buy something as simple as a burp cloth, and today, I did, casting reservations aside and moving forward with faith that these burp cloths will be needed and used very soon.